you know a day don't go by that i don't think about it.the thought never goes away.you wonder how i deal with it-well sometimes i have someone i can talk to and I do talk to my doctor in mental health regularly.i deal with it the best way i can and there is suicide hot lines that has helped me.
my wish is that one day i can wake up one day and the thoughts would be gone even if it is for one day.people still stay their distances from me and 99 percent of the time i am alone and i fight this struggle alone.ever since may when i had my incident people still walk on egg shells around me and alot of people completely ignored me altogether. i don't blame them for this whatsoever.i hold no resentment,its something i am use to and i understand why people do this.its been a big part of my life since 1989.
after a time you get use to it-i don't like it but i accept it-i just can't get past the point that life is more important to me than death. over the years the numerous times that i have failed i look up and some people think i should be grateful-well i don't know anymore-maybe if they understood the suffering i go through on a daily basis-you can't put a band aide or take an aspirin and it is better.between anti-depressants,bi-polar meds,anxiety meds and alot of other stuff and therapy that i continue to go through i feel what am i doing wrong,why is nothing not working? i keep myself busy working in the yard,i have hobbies,i read alot,i work inside the house,i go to the store and sometimes i go for drives and i go to therapy.maybe after all theses years we just haven't found the right combinations of pills,when we do they work for a while then i am right back in the dumps.I try to keep up a cheerful disposition so she don't worry about me-yes she knows of my problems and we have talked about it.but there is nothing she can do but be there for me.so she don't worry so much about me i keep alot to myself and she knows this.as long as i see my doctor and seek help when i get to that point again she is contend that as long as i know thoses things and take my meds she knows i am trying which i am. but i also know she keeps an eye on me-i just not suppose to know that-she keeps me involve in the family-we have dinner together and she have me look at her art and she knows that makes me happy.so she helps to get things off my mind-but i also know she needs to rest as well and have a piece of mind.she and my son both have been there for me as well as i have been there for them.so it all goes hand in hand.
also allowing myself to type this down helps me to get it out someway and i also feel better afterwards.so this is my journal so to speak but what ever it takes to get it out and i can speak my mind and lay it out on print i can use this has a gauge to see if i am getting better or getting worse.then i know where to go from there.also allow my doctor see what i am feeling that day and we can go from there as well.maybe its a different kind of therapy and it seems to help a lot.get things off my chest and i can express myself without worrying people and never having to worry if anyone is around i can talk to. so welcome to my life.
