back in may of 2010 i made an attempt on my life-I took 90 pills of quetiapine fumarate (seroquel)each pill was 100mg a piece.90 times 100mg equals 9000mg total.my intent was to end my life.alot of people don't understand why i did it and what purpose it served.back on July 15,1984 I flipped a gamma goat while i was stationed in west Germany(well it was back then)and rolled it back it on its wheel-i remember hitting the top of my head hard on the ground.I walked out of the accident with some bruises and a huge lump on the front of my knee.since i was not bleeding and was conscious i was not taken to the hospital and not knowing that the hit on my head since it was not seen was not a worry to anyone.after several months to a year i started having real bad pains i was experiencing blank spots in my memory and since i went to the doctor nothing could ever be found.2 years later i started experiencing extreme to severe depression-which of course was a big no no in the military so i hid it for a a few more years.by 1989 it was so bad i was hospitalized in a civilian psych ward then transfer to fort hood,Texas and i spend 6 months on the top floor of the hospital.I did not want out of the service for i have had 10 years in service at that time-the doctor inform me if i stayed he thought i would not lived to see the next 10 years.so winter of 1989 i was given a 50 percent disabled retirement.(which later the VETERANS ADMINSTRATION WOULD EVENTUALLY RATE ME AT 100 PERCENT PERMANENT DISABLED.)FROM 1989 i have suffered from severe depression which they gave it another name i cannot recall-for they say depression in it self is curable with meds and treatment-neither has worked for me thus far.I have attempted suicide so many times in the last 21 years i lost count-I am not bragging i am trying to make a point.i have also been diagnose with borderline bipolar disorder dual personalities disorder,anxiety disorder,and so many other things.but in life i have noticed people who attempted suicide-1)people will say ooh they just looking for attention,2)people start acting differently around you,3)they stop interacting or even talking to you,4)they are just crazy,5)you in the end end up totally alone.
first of all you know someone who is thinking about it and has they need your help and they need to be rush to hospital asap-don't hesitate to call 911.
not everyone that attempts suicide have any desire to live.believe me every time i attempted it was to die.that was and is what is always on my mind.you asked how am i still alive-because people either has found me and gotten me to a hospital-i have gone deep in the woods where no one ever goes and still was found.the only thing I can think of is Jesus send someone to me.I don't care for sympathy nor do i want anyone to feel sorry for me.i am by no means that bad-for i know there is alot of people who are worst then i.why do i do it-living with depression on a daily basis-7 days a week 24 hours a day is hard and you get tired of being depressed.no breaks from it and you want to know what i do-no i don't stay in the house 24/7 and the dark and gloom-i work in my yard almost everyday,i read books,i watch movies,i get out of the house and go shopping,sometimes i go for just a ride.I listen to music basically all the time,see a therapist,take my meds and try to stay active.but regardless its still there-i want to get my story out cause i know there are people out there with the same condition as i have or some that are worse than i have.there is help for us and maybe there is someone you know who suffers from theses problems.its not easy we struggle on a daily basis others worse than others.we need someone to talk to someone to understand,someone to just be there,or someone to not turn their back on us when we have a episode or attempt suicide.
here is some numbers that has helped me in the past and there are many others in your local areas.
national hopeline network------1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-suicide
national suicide prevention lifeline-----1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-273-talk
united way crisis line----211
national hotlines----1-800-448-3000 or TTY-national hotline 1-800-448-1833
and on this website is the different states that are listed click on yours.
there is even a place to click on for international hotlines.
http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
what ever you do get help-i hope my story helps someone and if you need someone to ever talk to email me at edgewarewolf2004@yahoo.com or catch me on yahoo chat with the same nic.
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